I decided to become a speechwriter when I heard that the actress Rashida Jones was dating one. Speechwriting is easy. You just write, I believe this shit, we the people need that shit. I wrote up some samples and sent them out. A week later I heard back. No thanks, they said. The mayor would never refer to the economy as ‘Super fucked.’ I wrote back, If he doesn’t think the economy is super fucked, fuck him. I heard Rashida left the speechwriter. I don’t know what her new beau does, but I bet I can do that shit, too.
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